My sweet baby girl — My Green Goodiebag

My Green Goodiebag is as much about my journey to a more sustainable lifestyle as it is about me as a mother. After all, I started this website because my second baby, Christopher, had so much problems with eczema and asthma. I wanted to find solutions for him and started researching. I found so much information and learned so much about toxic ingredients, healthy living and sustainability that I decided to share what I had learned. Today I want to talk about something else though.

February is always a difficult time for me. And I want to share with you why, because I have noticed that by sharing my story many women (and some men) have come forward sharing their story as well. Many people don’t talk much about it, and I am not sure if it is because they feel guilty or they think it’s already been so long ago, or maybe there is still a taboo surrounding it. The story I am talking about is stillbirth.

In October 2015 I found out I was pregnant with our third baby. At the time we were living in Spain. Everything went well, except that I was nauseous all the time, even after the first three months. At the 20-week ultrasound everything seemed fine as well. She wasn’t moving a lot, but it was not a reason for concern. Until we came back from a vacation to Florida and I didn’t feel her moving anymore at all. I went to the gynecologist for a checkup. I was so nervous because I guess deep down I knew something was very wrong. The gynecologist did an ultrasound and she said there was no heartbeat. My world came crashing down and I was in a state of panic. I called my partner to come pick me up and bring me to the hospital.

Everything felt so unreal, but I knew all too well that everything was very real. They had to run some tests and then I had to wait. For the rest of the day I was laying in bed waiting. In the evening they gave me some pills to induce labor and I had to wait more. Angelina was born early Friday morning on February 19, 2016. They took her away in a plastic bag and brought her back after they cleaned her. She was so tiny, I couldn’t hold her in my arms, but had to hold her in my hands. I was all alone in the delivery room and I felt so devastated. I wanted to treasure my time with her forever, because I knew I only had these very few moments together with her. I touched her hands and feet and belly and caressed her head. I wiped away some blood that was coming out of her nose. And I gave her kisses, lots of kisses. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry. I took a couple of pictures, but in hindsight I should’ve taken 1000´s. I just couldn't think straight and I wished someone in the hospital had offered me to take prints of her feet and hands. My time with her was so short, I guess it was 10 minutes, 15 minutes tops. Then they came to take her away again and I was brought back to my room. We left the hospital the same morning. With an empty womb and a heart full of grief. We had to organize her cremation that afternoon and choose a casket for her. It was a small white one. I left a stuffed animal, a dress, a dream catcher and a bracelet for her to take with her.

It was hard to move on, but I had to take care of our two other boys. And it was good that they were there. They were my consolation and I hugged them a little bit harder and more often every day. One week after Angelina´s death, we spread her ashes at the beach where we lived, together with some flowers. Now every year, on February 19th, we bake cookies for her and throw flowers in the ocean. I tell my children (two boys and a girl now) that Angelina is their sister and that she will always be part of our family.

Luckily I became pregnant again soon after Angelina´s loss, and our baby girl was born in December 2016, healthy and happy. That pregnancy was stressful and I had to inject myself every day with blood thinners, but I was so happy with the new life inside of me. I kept keeping faith and in the end all went well.

I cannot say that the grief goes away, but it becomes easier to handle. I am no longer overwhelmed by it when I think of Angelina, but I still cry and I still feel very sad. I miss her every day and her death will always leave a hole in my heart. But I have come to accept what happened and appreciate my children even more.